Confusion, anxiety, uncertainty – I know that I am not the only one experiencing these emotions during this time. I’ve had to limit my time on social media, the Daily Mail and my intake of the news in general because it just gives me a heavy heart.
The Corona virus has enforced us all to take things back to basics during lockdown. We have to stay in our houses with the exception of one hour of exercise a day, for someone that thrives from their routine, uses the gym as her sanctuary and does not do well with unknowns, it is safe to say that I am struggling. Already an over-thinker, I am now assessing EVERYTHING in my life. Did I choose the wrong job straight after university, I’m an EA yet I graduated with a first class degree in Business and Law, should I have become a lawyer? (Definitely not saying I’m overqualified to be an EA, I love the variety of my job, and at times it is H A R D, however, sometimes these thoughts cross my mind!) I’m even questioning if me and my boyfriend are right! We currently are in our separate households and I’ve not seen him for 20 days! Times are hard…
Add all of these feelings to a concoction of a mid-twenties hormonal woman trying to find a job that I enjoy, that challenges me, that makes me feel as though I am doing good and making a difference – whether that be to the company, to myself or to the world, I’m struggling with the feelings of trying to have it all figured out.
I’ve hit a point where I’m worried if ‘having it figured out’ even exists. I’m in a job where I have the ‘merrr’ feeling, I’m not super busy (which is what I have always been used to in work, university, school), the people I work with are lovely, sociable and fun but I do not feel entirely driven, a trait that I was born with.
I would absolutely love my own business but I’m still yet to figure out in what. I love to learn and develop in all business areas, such as events, marketing, HR, I even love minute taking, writing up actions points and ensuring that these actions are completed by each stakeholder so that deadlines are met and projects are seen through. See the thing is, I’m not unhappy with my job, I just want the motivation of having something that is MINE. I’ve been furloughed by my current company because of the pandemic, and it has hit home that I do not have anything to fill my day with. My structure and routine that I love has gone out the window and I long to be ticking points off of my to-do list, and smashing goals and having that feeling of achievement.
I know that I definitely try and work things out all at once and if I feel a little foggy and like I’ve not hit my life goals then I do tend to feel sad and struggle with that. I’m trying to use this lockdown phase as a time to work on myself, figure things out, think about what I enjoy. Making decisions and thinking about if what your doing is right for you is so hard! I wish more people talked about experiencing that ‘lost’ feeling. If anyone can relate then please do let me know, I would love to chat!
I think in this uncertain and scary time, we need to be kinder to ourselves when experiencing these emotions, I know that the situation of the world is amplifying our feelings. Also as a side note, I am currently reading ‘101 essays that will change the way you think’ – one phrase that has really aligned and set light to my current thoughts is this quote…“You extrapolate the present moment because you believe that success is somewhere you ‘arrive’ so you are constantly trying to take a snapshot of your life and if you can be happy yet.”
Sorry that this has been a rambling, pointless post, but the intent was to diarise my feelings so that a weight lifts within myself, now that I’m end of my post I think I have just achieved that! And for me that was the goal of The Haven.
Stay safe everyone and stay home,